Noah Weltin, he is coming to take your teeth.
On a warm summer day, with the birds chirping loudly from their posts in the trees, and the sun gleaming down on the dew-covered grass, a beautiful woman wobbled down the path, her brown hair flowing behind her. She had beautiful eyes and perfect face structure– she looked right out of a stock image gallery.
It didn’t take long before a horrible, lettuce rotting, toe curling stench emerged from the trees, catching the woman’s attention.
The source of the smell was a man in a ripped suit. He walked confidently behind her, before exclaiming loudly, “What a beautiful young maiden in front of me! I’ve been truly graced by your heavenly presence!”
The woman bore no response, stopping abruptly. Her head shook on its base, a strange sight, although overlooked by the putrid man.
The man waved his arms like a madman, a sudden grin on his clean shaven face. “It is exactly as prophesied! You shall be my bride!”
If the woman could express her horror, she would.
Suddenly, the man laughed out loud, “Silly me, where are my manners? I am Sir Mono of the kingdom of Simian! Your wondrous groom-to-be!” He offered the woman his hand, “And you, my lady?”
The woman bore no response.
Frustrated, Mono instead sighed, “I’ve decided, I’ll simply call you ‘Lettice’! A play on the name of my favorite food! Is that alright?”
The woman still bore no response.
“Good.” Mono decided. “Come with me.”
Mono got onto all fours and started to run off. Surprisingly, the woman followed.
The couple soon found themselves at a wedding venue, despite the fact the woman was startled by the sudden change of scenery and escalation of her first ever relationship– one she wasn’t even sure she was a part of.
“Today we are gathered to celebrate Mono and Lettice’s sightly matrimony.” The priest started, his voice gruff and awkward.
Mono had this grin on his face. It was as if it was painted onto his face, “Lettice! You’re almost as beautiful as the day I met you!” He outstretched his arms to her, a horrible stench fleeting his body.
She bore no reply.
“Now, before we continue this holy ceremony, would anyone in attendance like to bring to my attention any reason that these two shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Not a sound came from the empty chapel, as would be assumed.
“Very well then.” The priest said, a blank expression on his face, “Would you like to exchange your vows?”
Mono quickly shook his head, “I wish to get this over as quickly as possible.”
priest turned to the woman, expecting an answer from her.
Again, she bore no reply.
The priest gave up, waving his hand in annoyance, “You may now kiss the bride, or whatever…”
Mono’s eyes sparkled, and reached for Lettice’s head. As he grabbed it, to his surprise, the thing popped right off! Mono held her head in his hand, dread washing over him as the stock image taped to her head fell right off. Lettice was in fact, a head of lettuce.
Mono spent a few seconds mourning the loss of his fiancée before he remembered he was holding an entire head of his favorite food. He wasn’t expecting to do this until their honeymoon, but some things just can’t wait. Mono ripped the mask from his head, revealing his more monkey-like features before dining on his bride.
What an adorable couple.